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From: R C Nesbit on 4 Jun 2010 14:48
And if it's a ginge, the whingeing poms can just FRO.

Douglas Adams, of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame,
gives an amazing insight into Australia - prepare yourself!

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large
amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable
from orbit because of many unusual features, including what
at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its
southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics,
but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving
that not only are they covering up a more frightening
theory but they can't spell either!

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the
status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign
lands are classified as continent, island, or country,
Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique
in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals.
They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd,
and Sheep.

It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the
planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more
accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,
Australia has all of them. However there are curiously few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors
should be careful to check inside boots (before putting
them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and
generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this
task.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus -
estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill,
otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic
prey in the same way as the electric eel and has venomous
barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all
'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable
creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the
inhabitants.

First, a short history:
Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and
a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect
for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme
of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of
the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from
the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent,
with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried
to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of
the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half
of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever
since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans
always consider themselves vastly superior to any other
race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and
litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas
all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in
the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans
on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are
subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of
nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit
perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core
of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
necessity of checking inside your boots, every morning, for
fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned
sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for
making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches
are simply the nicest and best in the entire world.
Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have
to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a
fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a
rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that
will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However,
watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats,
you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead,
they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to
share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with
insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats
have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string,
and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from
the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence'
syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact,
the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz",
"Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and
"Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The
irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller,
though. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the
beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another
kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of
conversation, (Australians don't care too much about
either) but Sport is a minefield.

The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country,
eh?" is "Best (insert your own regional swear word here)
country in the world! It is very likely that, on arriving,
some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first
night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is
served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a
form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day
with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth,
and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive
off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in
Australia, so we took him to the pub", to which the
policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure
to tell the story of these events to every other Australian
you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and
noting how strong the beer was.

Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered
the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning
and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:-
* "G'Day!"
* "She'll be right mate."
* "too easy".


Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason
WHATSOEVER.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how
strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning is imperative.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a
trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
* Wear thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works
when there are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of
water with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians,
there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to
ignore.


--
Rob_P
UKRM(at)indqualtec.co.uk
uppercase(d) BBIWYMC#1 BOG#11? MRO#31 IBCDBBB#1(kotl)
FJ1200, CCM130 Benelli Cabriolet (gone)
Looks like Rab C Nesbit.

From: frag on 5 Jun 2010 06:42
R C Nesbit took a blunt brush and painted...
>
> And if it's a ginge, the whingeing poms can just FRO.
>
> Douglas Adams, of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame,
> gives an amazing insight into Australia - prepare yourself!
>

<snip>

Heh, I like it.

Took a few paragraphs to get going, but the rest was good.

I have a vision in my mind "Pip goes walkabout with Crocodile Dundee"...


--
frag

MicroPlanet Gravity Newsreader V2.9 http://mpgravity.sourceforge.net/
From: Dr Ivan D. Reid on 5 Jun 2010 07:16
On Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:48:36 +0100, R C Nesbit <spam(a)ukrm.net>
wrote in <VA.00002fe2.06c9d82f(a)ukrm.net>:
> And if it's a ginge, the whingeing poms can just FRO.

> Douglas Adams, of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame,
> gives an amazing insight into Australia - prepare yourself!

> Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large
> amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable
> from orbit because of many unusual features, including what
> at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its
> southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
> into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
> simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics,
> but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving
> that not only are they covering up a more frightening
> theory but they can't spell either!

> The first of the confusing things about Australia is the
> status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign
> lands are classified as continent, island, or country,
> Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique
> in this.

> The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals.
> They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd,
> and Sheep.

Not bad, but...

> It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the
> planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more
> accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,
> Australia has all of them. However there are curiously few
> snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

Take this at face value at your own peril. I once saw
a Steve Irwin programme on "The Ten Most Venemous Snakes in
the World" -- they were all Australian, and he didn't even get
to the red-bellied blacksnake that terrorised our childhood
and cost my father a prized saddleback boar.

Nor does it mention dropbears...

--
Ivan Reid, School of Engineering & Design, _____________ CMS Collaboration,
Brunel University. Ivan.Reid@[brunel.ac.uk|cern.ch] Room 40-1-B12, CERN
GSX600F, RG250WD "You Porsche. Me pass!" DoD #484 JKLO#003, 005
WP7# 3000 LC Unit #2368 (tinlc) UKMC#00009 BOTAFOT#16 UKRMMA#7 (Hon)
KotPT -- "for stupidity above and beyond the call of duty".
From: Kevin Gleeson on 5 Jun 2010 07:31
On Sat, 5 Jun 2010 11:42:12 +0100, frag <news4(a)ukrm.co.uk> wrote:

>R C Nesbit took a blunt brush and painted...
>>
>> And if it's a ginge, the whingeing poms can just FRO.
>>
>> Douglas Adams, of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame,
>> gives an amazing insight into Australia - prepare yourself!
>>
>
><snip>
>
>Heh, I like it.
>
>Took a few paragraphs to get going, but the rest was good.
>
>I have a vision in my mind "Pip goes walkabout with Crocodile Dundee"...

Scary thing is he is bloody close. It's just the degree that is
over-stated.

--
Kev
From: Pip on 5 Jun 2010 07:38
frag wrote:

> I have a vision in my mind "Pip goes walkabout with Crocodile
> Dundee"...

Whilst I appreciate the comparison with DA, I don't indulge in posting
150+ lines of copy and paste of other people's stuff. I leave that to
the likes of Henry and the crowd that have never managed an original
thought.

--
Pip: B12
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